


I Can't Help It

by MysticDodo



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Malec, Shadowhunters - Freeform, Wedding, episode 12, i'm not crying you're crying, inner thoughts, kiss, my feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-30 08:38:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6416575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticDodo/pseuds/MysticDodo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He tried to deny it, act like his feelings didn't exist. But now in front of his family and friends and shadowhunters alike Alec couldn't pretend any longer. "I can't help but love you".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS for episode 12, entitled "Malec". Because I honestly cannot stop watching those wonderful few seconds. I originally thought I'd be a bit put off if it happened simply because the moment it was public in the books was so amazing but nope, this scene was perfect.

Magnus was there. Magnus was there. Magnus was standing there and staring with determination straight at Alec.

He could barely hear the words Lydia was saying to him but he could see the understanding and acceptance in her eyes and her soft, knowing smile. And he couldn't breath. He couldn't breath and he couldn't think because _Magnus had stormed into his wedding._ Magnus was... 

Magnus.

Alec was terrified. He could feel himself sweating, his heart stuttering in his chest almost in an echo of the man's name, and his breathing was shallow and rapid. And Magnus, that damned wonderful Warlock, looked steely and stoic but Alec could see in the straight lines of Magnus's shoulders, the slight narrow to his eyes and the dryness of his lips that the man was nervous.

And that alone made him step down from the raised platform. Magnus always seemed to be so sure, so certain, so composed. Yet he was tense and Alec wanted that to go away. He was done. He didn't want to play these games anymore. When alone he tried to deny it, act like his feelings didn't exist. But now in front of his family and friends and shadowhunters alike Alec couldn't pretend any longer. He wanted... he wanted...

Magnus slightly raised his chin. A challenge? And he could hear some murmuring beginning like confused bees and Alec found his feet moving.

His long legs easily ate up the space between the two. He was surprised he could say something other than "Magnus" when his mother tried to snap at him. And Magnus refused to move, refused to break eye contact and Alec could see the apprehension in his gorgeous orbs and how they widened in momentary shock as he grabbed hold of the lapals and Alec closed his eyes and firmly planted his lips against the Warlock.

Magnus.

Why hadn't he done this sooner?

Tingles? That word couldn't describe the feelings that burst from his mouth and heart and body at being so close to the man he tried so hard to ignore his feelings of attraction for. Magnus didn't push him away, didn't do anything other than let Alec kiss him, his lips barely responding. Magnus? Alec opened his eyes and pulled away to see Magnus chase after his kiss, mouth parted and hot breath ghosting over his lips. His eyes, beforehand so hard, were soft, sparkling, pupils black and Alec wanted to smooch him again, needed to, had to.

This time the kiss was softer as Magnus readily moved against him and Alec's hands loosened on the lapals, the tension he didn't even know he had been carrying bleeding out and leaving him feeling light and giddy and _Magnus, Magnus, Magnus._

Perhaps it was on the same wavelength that the two parted ways again, Alec's hands back down to his own side, but Magnus beamed at him and said something abut surprising him and Alec felt himself shaking. "What did I just do?" He rasped out. He... he hadn't really planned on doing that. 

Magnus. Magnus. Magnus.

 

 


	2. Where Do We Go From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy speaks to Alec about what her brothers' original plan was going to be... because outing himself by kissing Magnus in front of what was supposed to be his very straight wedding definitely doesn't sound like him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What Alec is thinking is what I thought what might happen when the promo was released!

"Mum looks furious," Izzy commented lightly, her stance casual and relaxed.

"Well, her son just shamed her in front of everybody. Of course she's going to be furious," Alec replied dryly. He tugged at the already loosened collar of his shirt and threw a side glance at his sister. "So why did you drag me away again?"

Izzy grinned. "Eager to get back to Magnus, are we?"

"I... what? N-no. I mean, kind of, but... Izzy! Seriously." Brother and sister stopped talking as a group of shadowhunters began to walk by, some giving Alec shocked looks of what could have been disgust, curiosity or just plain amusement. Alec refused to meet their gazes and sighed when the footsteps fade from earshot. "By the Angel..."

"Did you plan on kissing Magnus like that?"

Alec blinked and turned his attention back to his sister. "I don't know. No. What were you thinking, inviting him?"

Izzy rolled her eyes. "Are you seriously telling me that you're angry at me for that? He stopped you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Plus I've never seen you smile so much. I honestly thought for a moment you were going to tell him to leave."

"I was getting ready to drag him away," Alec admitted. "I definitely wasn't planning on kissing him. Maybe... maybe if we were alone."

"Explain."

"I think I wanted to take him outside or something. Just, get away from everyone staring and wondering what the heck was going on," Alec began, running a hand through his hair. "Ask him why he bothered showing up. Why he was nearly late. Why he just stood there staring at me. I... I don't know. Maybe I would have pushed him up against the wall or something. I don't know what it is about him, but Magnus just makes me feel so... so..."

Here he faltered and Izzy smiled gently up at him. "Alive?"

"I... yes. That's a much better word than confused and frustrated."

"Are you still feeling that way now?"

Alec blushed gently. "No. For the first time in my life I think I feel... at peace, with myself. I think what Lydia said helped a lot."

"She's truly something, isn't she?"

Alec chuckled breathlessly. "Tell me about it. If I weren't attracted to Magnus I think being with Lydia wouldn't be so bad."

Izzy grinned. "Perhaps, but you're most certainly got a thing for the High Warlock of Brooklyn. So. Throw Magnus against a wall, huh? Then what? Make out with him?"

"If he didn't try to hit me back, probably. Then knowing him Magnus would remind me about the waiting wedding guests and after that, I wouldn't know. Perhaps what happened was just easier. At least this way, everyone knows why I couldn't marry Lydia..."

Izzy linked her arm in through Alec’s and tugged. “Hey. I am very proud of you, you know. That can’t have been easy.”

Alec closed his eyes. “For so long, I… I tried to hide that part of myself. I was so damned scared that if somebody found out I’d lose my marks, lose my family and friends and… and all of a sudden, Magnus appears. He’s just, I mean, he’s something else entirely. So confident, flirtatious, sarcastic, funny…” “In a way, quite a few of the traits that Jace has.” Alec flushed deeply and his voice lowered to a mere murmur. “I thought I had feelings for Jace. And that, loving your parabatai, is entirely frowned upon. When the Memory Demon showed Jace’s face…”

“You were terrified you had been outted.”

“Magnus’s behaviour changed towards me after that. He was supportive and kind. He was this calming yet wild storm and I tried to stay away.” Alec opened his eyes again, a smile that he didn’t seem to be aware of teasing the corner of his lips. “I can’t believe he crashed the wedding like that.” A nervous laugh bubbled out of him. “I can’t believe I kissed him, in front of everybody. I should have taken him out of the room first.”

Isabelle giggled. “What, and let us miss that hot display of passion? That would have been cruel of you, big brother of mine.” She calmed down after a few seconds of proud beaming. “It seemed like he was letting you make the decision, Alec. He was waiting for you to make up your mind.”

“It was an all or nothing situation, thinking back. Tell Magnus to fuck off, marry Lydia and continue to live a lie… or to just, be true to myself. Magnus told me I had a choice to make.” Alec said. He paled and took a shaky inhale. “.. by the Angel, Izzy, Mum looked ready to kill me.”

His wonderful younger sister hugged him around the waist and Alec held her close, wondering what on Earth was going to happen next. His heart thrummed in his chest; Magnus, Magnus, Magnus.

Alec’s thoughts began to wonder towards the Warlock let again. If he had dragged Magnus out of the room so they could talk in private, what would have happened? He wasn’t lying when he said perhaps throw Magnus at the wall, not to hurt him, but as a display of power, of control. Magnus made him and his feelings so wild. He would have pushed Magnus against the wall and kiss him with even more determination than what happened. Hold Magnus there by his wrists, the weight of his body and kiss that glorious, stubborn, flamboyant man with all that he had. No eyes would be watching. He shivered at the make believe scenario. Having the Warlocks’s lithe body pressed up against his, hands splayed open and clutching back - none of the light, barely there caress that Magnus done against his waist - as their mouths opened in a more passionate kiss, tongues dancing, body’s thrumming…

Alec’s lips tingled at the memory of the simple kiss in the wedding; how Alec kissed Magnus and they broke apart and then they were kissing each other and it was like everything was right. He wondered were Magnus had disappeared to, if he was thinking about what transpired between them as well; if he had imagined everything that had happened differently and if he was wanting to kiss him again.

_Where do we go from here?_


	3. And You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And all for a Downworlder," Maryse said. Alec didn't know what to say but he had plenty to think about.

His Mother’s eyes were red rimmed and full of angry tears. The look of betrayal on her face cut Alec deep. If Magnus weren't standing nearby…

As though she could read his thoughts, Maryse looked towards the Warlock. Her lips began to curl in disgust. “And all for a Downworlder.”

Alec wanted to get angry; he wanted to jump into defense mode and yell about how he was being true to himself, his sexuality, but her words stopped him. Downworlder. Downworlder. A warlock. Magnus. A guy.

Downworlder. 

Alec blinked, mouth gaping in unsaid words, but his mother had already turned her back and began to stomp away.

His mind was whirling. That was it? That was the problem that she had? Not that Alec was gay but that he kissed a Downworlder? Then he remembered his parents involvement in the Circle and Valentine and the stigma and discrimination of Downworlders, the Accords to try and keep the peace between Shadowhunters and Downworlders… how Izzy was shunned by her involvement with Meliorn, a Seelie Downworlder. How the Lightwood name was in shambles, had been for ages, and how the wedding to Lydia was supposed to fix the mistakes of the past. 

It was your idea from the start…

No. It hadn’t been. It had been his parents. It had all been his parents. He was twenty for Raziel’s sake. He was an adult; he ran the institute when his parent were in Idris which was more often than not. He was his own man. He followed the rules for so long and it brought him nothing but misery. It nearly ended in a loveless marriage all for the sake of helping the family name. 

A Downworlder. 

Well, the Lightwood name certainly wasn’t going to recover any time soon. Izzy and Meliorn, Alec and Magnus, Jace being Valentine’s son… Poor Max. 

Max. What was he going to think of all of this, to the fact that his older brother was not only gay but attracted to a Downworlder? 

Alec almost jumped when his father’s tense face broke into his vision. “Just give her time,” he instructed and Alec suddenly felt so lost. He wished this confrontation hadn’t happened so soon. He hadn’t been lying when he said he had been glad to get away from the tension and to see Magnus smile so bright, so openly, to hear his birth name Alexander roll so naturally off his tongue… 

Magnus. A man. 

It wasn’t “and all this for a man.” 

No, it was “and all this for a Downworlder.”

Alec glared at his father, trying to ignore the dizziness caused by so many thoughts. “And you?”

**Author's Note:**

> I've a few little related drabbles I want to write about The Kiss!


End file.
